Frosty the Snowman

"Frosty the snowman was a jolly, happy soul..."

What?

"with a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal..."

How can you breathe with a button for a nose? That doesn't make any sense.

"Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say..."

Sounds like it.

"He was made of snow, but the children know how he came to life one day..."

Wait...what did you say?

"There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found..."

Oh no. They found the hat.

"For when they placed it on his head, he began to dance around..."

Somebody found that damn hat! Mayor Potter told us he burned it after the last time.

"O, Frosty the snowman was alive as he could be..."

Yes! And as evil as he could be too!

"And the children say he could laugh and play just the same as you and me..."

Did the children also say how he could devour two men at once? Because that's what's coming after the laughing and the playing!

"Thumpety thump thump, Thumpety thump thump..."

Please tell me that is the sound of the the village-folk beating Frosty.

"Look at Frosty go..."

Oh no. He's on the loose.

"Thumpety thump thump, Thumpety thump thump..."

I suppose it is too much to hope for that that is the sound of bullets hitting Frosty's frigid torso.

"Over the hills of snow..."

Don't just stand there! We are all in danger!

"Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day..."

The sun was hot that day? Oh thank heavens.

"So he said, 'Let's run and we'll have some fun now before I melt away...'"

It's not fun he's after! It's the taste of human flesh!

"Down to the village..."

Flee! He's headed for the village!

"With a broomstick in his hand..."

He has a broomstick? It's worse than I thought.

"Running here and there all around the square..."

Eating people, no doubt. I hate to sound morbid, but that's what happens.

"saying catch me if you can..."

Taunting us. This monster has no conscience.

"He led them down the streets of town..."

His zombie army. Of course. You know, it's like we just erased the last time this happened from our memory banks.

"Right to the traffic cop..."

Oh, a traffic cop is going to be a big help.

"And he only paused a moment when he heard him holler stop..."

Look, I don't see why we're wasting time with traffic cops anyway. We should have called in the National Guard hours ago. We should have cordoned off the village. The people inside are dead already anyway. We should protect the rest of the state.

"For Frosty the snowman had to hurry on his way..."

Where? Back to hell?

"But he waved goodbye saying, 'Don't you cry...'"

You vicious, vicious bastard.

"I'll be back again someday..."

I will say one thousand Hail Marys to pray you do not come back, spawn of Satan.

"Thumpety thump thump, Thumpety thump thump, look at Frosty go..."

The tears of those left behind are frozen to their faces.

Thumpety thump thump, Thumpety thump thump, over the hills of snow!"

May you exist in never-ending torment, Frosty! Look what you've done!

Library

I'm at the library right now. Across the way, there are some people talking in sign language. It occurred to me that if sign language is your primary form of communication, the library is the perfect place to come to have a huge argument. Or to tell profane tales of ribaldry. These guys look like they're getting along. Though, one of the fellows right now is making big gestures that involve a lot of arm movement. I'm not sure what that could mean, but he is smiling. Probably a tale of ribaldry.

Alright, back to work.

Recovery

I think the word "recovery" in one of my favorite words. I love to think about what it means. I love to think that even though I can cause a lot of damage to myself, through bad decisions and horrible choices and the like, to the point of deep despair really,that there is still some hope. I wonder how that's possible, but I simply know it is possible. I put myself out to sea so often. I find myself in self-imposed places of loneliness and despair, me in the life ring in the middle of the ocean, my boat sunk awhile ago. Light-less. Dead for certain. Doomed. But then, that's where this idea of recovery is so amazing. Somebody quietly gathers the pieces back together when I am too weak to do it, too tired of looking for the pieces. Somebody gently puts them back together and reforms my life. I can only watch while it happens. Recovery, true recovery, is a sublime captivity to the One who puts those pieces back together.

Andy Kaufman Awards

Some time ago, Steve submitted a video of Sasha and The Noob's standup act to the Andy Kaufman Awards. This is an annual event, this year being the 5th annual award, started by the Kaufman family to memorialize Andy and to encourage young, weird comedians and acts just starting out. We kind of forgot about that submission until a few weeks ago, when the Andy Kaufman Award people contacted Steve to say that Sasha and the Noob were chosen as one of 26 semi-finalists. That meant traveling to New York City to perform in one and, if we made it past the semi-finals round, two shows at Caroline's on Broadway. It was pretty flabergasting news.

I wouldn't say that Andy Kaufman directly influenced Sasha and The Noob or any Blewt! show or character. What I would say, though, is that the weird, weird stuff that Andy Kaufman got people to pay attention to, or got away with or, simply, did on stage and on TV went a long way to make it "okay" for acts like ours to exist. So, I guess in that sense, we are in indebted to Andy Kaufman. Probably in many other senses too. Or, maybe, in none at all. For me, at least, the guy is funny, and whenever I see him do his thing, I can't help but watch. I hope people have that sense about Blewt! creations.

So, we were in New York the last few days, participating in the Andy Kaufman Awards show(s). The short story is: We made it from the round of 26 semi-finalists to the finals round of 6. We didn't win. It was fantastic to participate, it is always disappointing to lose (or as the Kaufman family might say to us, "to not win," as they named one winner and 5 equal runners-up) but in the end, the whole experience left us pretty bowled over and humbled. Though, I still think we were the act that most closely identified with the spirit of what Andy Kaufman did when he was around. The long story is as follows:

Our flight to New York City left O'Hare Monday morning at 6AM. I woke up at 3:15AM to get ready, planning to leave for the bus and, then the Blue Line to the airport at 4AM. Walking to a bus stop at 3:55AM, luggage in tow, is a surreal, kind of creepy experience. I was twice freaked out, nigh on to the point of death, by bunnies skittering through dried up leaves by the sidewalk. I think the nice thing is, if you get to Heaven and they ask you how you died and you say, "I was given a heart attack by some bunnies I did not see," they say to you, "You know what, you get another chance. Go back to earth. You don't want to have to spend eternity telling that story." I met Steve, just as the plane was boarding. We found our seats and I immediately fell asleep and didn't wake up until we were almost landing at La Guardia. We stayed in Queens with some friends of Steve, Steve and Deb Alexander and their son Augie, who were incredibly hospitable and generous. Their place was not so far away from where we had to go to perform. Which was Caroline's on Broadway. I wonder what a non-comedian-type-person would think of that name. For me, it was overwhelming, rendering my knees a little weak. Caroline's is a legendary comedy joint. If you take a few minutes and Wiki that, you see that Jerry Seinfeld, Jay Leno, Mitch Hedberg and Bill Hicks all performed there. Amongst others. When I thought about us performing at this place, I was actually of two minds, one thinking, 'Man, all those people performed there and that's great and all, but that's in the past. Now, we're performing there. Add that to your Wikipedia article,' and the other, '....holy cow. We shouldn't be here. We should go away. Who do we think we are?' What those two natures probably prove is that, either way, I think about myself too much.

Alright, alright, alright...so we perform our semi-finalist show that night, Monday night. We go third. I think we do a really great set. It was quite a long evening, squeezing in so many acts, each limited to 6 minutes. A tight 6. I am glad we went third. We had less time to be nervous and we really got to break-in the audience. At third out of 26, they aren't tired of watching a lot of comedy yet. One of the coolest parts of the evening was meeting Michael Kaufman, Andy's younger brother. He was one of the judges, and he talked to us. He referenced our submission video and said he liked the song a lot. Anyway, so as we watch these acts progress it occurs to me...everybody is really good. Some of the stuff was fairly straightforward alt-comedy, but some of it was sort of jaw dropping. Like this one fellow Eric Davis, performing as the Red Bastard. He dressed up in this bright red body suit that had, what must have been Hippity Hops (if you had one as a kid, you know what I'm talking about) stitched into the fabric of the costume. He sort of bounced on his body around stage and assaulted the audience with this vitriolic but somehow graceful character. I still don't know what to make of him. This other fellow, Mike Amato, came out, sat down, and went to light a cigarette, but just as the lighter was to the cigarette, Perry Como's "Round and Round" started blasting from the speakers and Amato lip-synched the whole thing perfectly. At one point, some cabaret-style dancers joined him on stage for about ten seconds, then disappeared. As the song came to an end, he sat back down, lit the cigarette, inhaled and, in a bit of perfect comic timing, coughed on the smoke, then looked sheepishly at the crowd as the lights blacked out. Stunning. So, when this whole thing is over, Steve and I are feeling like, "I think we have a chance here. But everybody else was really really good." We were playing mind games, the both of us. I was thinking to myself, "Well, they narrow it down to six for the finals. That means, this guy, this guy and this guy are locks. Maybe this guy will make it too. He probably will. Which means there are two slots left open, and I think we have one of those. But, maybe they'll give 'em to this other guy and this other guy, so maybe we don't have it. Yikes." So, Michael Kaufman finally takes the stage after about two and a half hours or more of some of the wildest, weirdest comedy I have ever seen. He starts to announce the results of the voting. He names one guy who isn't us. Then the next guy, who isn't us. I am getting hyper-nervous. And then, Andy Kaufman's brother says, "...and from awhile ago, Sasha and The Noob." Holy crap, we're finalists. It floored me. Our competition was the Red Bastard, Mike Amato, this fellow called Blaine Kneece who did some nifty stuff with video, Harrison Greenbaum, who made a little magic act really funny, and this other fellow, Robby Roadsteamer, who, as near as I can tell, was a character mash-up of a homeless guy, a hippie and Daniel Day-Lewis's character from There Will Be Blood. So, we were coming back the next night.

I should say a bit about New York here. I love New York. I think I could even live there, though there are no such plans in the near-future. One of the best parts is the food, but not what you might think. Every time I go to New York, I seek out a fresh-made plain bagel with plain cream cheese and a coffee. No matter where I've gone in New York, this has been readily available. Steve loves 'em too, though he takes his with butter and substitutes a can of Coke for the coffee. A couple years ago, I found the bagel and coffee at a little trailer parked on the side of the street. This time, there was this mom and pop bagel shop around the corner from Steve and Deb's house. We made for it both mornings we were there. The thing is about New York bagels and cream cheese and that coffee...it's the best food in the world. Why? I don't know, IT JUST IS. And, no matter where I go in New York, when I get one of these bagels and this coffee...they serve it to me in a paper sack. Coffee too! Yes! Well, they pour the coffee in a cup and put a lid on it, but then they put the cup in a paper sack and put the bagel on top of it! Why do they do that???? Who knows!!!! Who cares!!!! I love it!!!!! ...nobody around here serves me coffee in a paper sack. They do it in New York EVERY DAY. Coffee in a sack. Coffee in a sack. I can't get my mind all the way around it, which is why I think I love it. Also, Times Square. Caroline's is right there. I'm not talking sort of a little ways away from Times Square, but close enough to it, close enough to call it Caroline's on Broadway, but not really on Broadway the way most people think of Broadway....no! It was on Broadway in the part of the world that you think of when you think the words "Broadway" and "Times Square." Lights! People! Colors! Enormous ads for Target featuring the 90 foot tall legs of the Rockettes! You really have to pay attention to what you are doing in Times Square. I mean, you really have to focus. You might get run over by a smarmy bike messenger or accosted by a weird guy in a fake Elmo costume who follows you around and asks you for money. What is there to do in Times Square, but to look up, up up! I stopped counting lightbulbs after 258,146. And that was just on the scrolling news sign around the Good Morning America studio. Dizzy. That's what Times Square does to ya. Makes ya dizzy.

Later that evening, to celebrate our making it to the finals round, Steve and I went to a bar near where we were staying. We weren't thinking about much else. This bar we went into looked quiet enough on the outside. Maybe a good place to talk strategy for tomorrow night's show or just to enjoy a couple of drinks and our success. When we went in, we immediately remembered it was game 5 of the World Series, and that the Yankees were in the World Series, and everybody in New York, minus the curious anomaly known as the Mets fan, loves the Yankees. We got our drinks and our food and kind of sat there in this sea of people dressed in Yankees caps and navy-blue pinstripes, and even though the Yankees ultimately lost that game in Philly, I had never been in a louder bar in my life. I tried to imagine a Wrigleyville bar being this loud, and I don't think it's ever happened. Truth be told, I hope the Phillies win the Series, but there was no way I was letting on to that. I clapped and cheered with the rest of them, because not doing so, I feared, would mean certain death at the hands of rabid Yankees fans. That's another one, where, if you die that way and you get to Heaven they turn you right back around. "Killed by a guy in an A-Rod jersey? Go back, go back!"

So, that left the finals. Now, this is where things get overwhelming. We show up at Caroline's and I'm sleepy. We get there a touch early, but not too early. Things are different this night than last night. For one thing, there is a mini-Andy Kaufman museum set up in the lobby of Caroline's. They have his bongo drum displayed, his Foreign Man suit that he rips off for his Elvis impersonation, his warm-up jacket from when he wrestled women. That was very cool. Michael Kaufman was going around to all the comedians saying, "Did you take a look at Andy's stuff?" and it was such a sincere question. He wasn't pushy, he wasn't lame about it...here was a man who really cared about the influence his brother had on entertainment and wanted to make sure everybody got to see and experience as much of his brother as possible.

By the way, we're here for a press conference. Yes. I neglected to mention that. We are an hour early because they're doing a press conference and they wanted the finalists to be there. So, like...all these people are there for it. Like, one of the first people we see, milling in the lobby of Caroline's waiting for this thing to start is George Shapiro. He was Andy's manager and basically convinced him to do Taxi. George Shapiro also happened to be Jerry Seinfeld's manager and the executive producer of the show Seinfeld and the bio-pic about Andy, Man on the Moon. There that guy is, right next to me. At that point, my nervousness really shot up. My favorite part was, I got to meet Carol Kane. Carol Kane played Andy's character's wife on Taxi. But to me, she is primarily somebody from the Princess Bride. That was a movie I nearly had completely memorized as a kid, and here is one of its stars right in front of me. I kind of gushed a little. I had to. I went up to her and said, "The Princess Bride is one of my favorite movies of all time and I just had to come over and introduce myself. It's so great to meet you," or something like that. She was very kind and gracious. There was somebody who I didn't know who was on the Dick Van Dyke show. There was Kristen Schaal from Flight of the Conchords. Oh yeah, by the way, she was one of the judges of this whole thing. And Michael Kaufman was too. And George Shapiro. These folks were about to watch Sasha and The Noob and then pass judgment on us! Wow! Well, the press conference concluded without the contestants doing much of anything. We just kind of sat there and listened to people, like George Shapiro, talk about Andy's life and career, which was very cool to hear. It concluded with Andy's father Stanley talking about how he finally figured out how to relate to his son after Andy showed him a passage from On the Road by Jack Kerouac. That was very touching. It was a very humanizing portrait of Andy Kaufman, actually. And here was a father who, simply, loved his son and missed him.

And so then, it was time to perform. We found out we were going 3rd out of 6. We wanted to be last. But, whatever. No problem. We switched around our bits a little for this one. The thing that ended up making me really nervous is that this show, this finals show, the final 6 show, this one is hosted by Tony Clifton. Oh man. He was filled with raunch and insult for everybody. He messed with the performers. I was afraid, really afraid, he was going to mess with Sasha and The Noob. But, the thing is, he got himself tossed from the theater right before we went up. So, cool. I know, I know, it would have been an honor to have been messed with by Tony Clifton. And it would have been. But, he scared me. Anyway, we went. Kind of because of Tony Clifton's shenanigans, the show was running long, so the people putting it on were trying to make sure everybody went sort of quick. We get up on stage and it feels great. Really comfortable, but not relaxed. That combination of nerves and energy and confidence that makes for a great set. And I think our set was great. We got a lot of laughs. That red light came on kinda quick, and I was sad to see it, because I didn't want it to be over. But, we did our song, we did our other bits and we got off stage. On the way back to the green room, Steve heard somebody in the audience whisper, "They've got it." Man.

Well, we didn't get it. Michael Kaufman called all 6 finalists up on stage at the end. He read the runner's up first. And what happened was, he declared all of us but one as equal runners up. And the winner was a fellow called Blaine Kneece. Blaine was great. Some really creative, funny stuff. I was glad for him, but man, disappointed. You make it that far in a competition like that, you know, you really want to win. But, finalists in the Andy Kaufman Award...I am happy with that.

We went to this bar in Times Square afterwards with a couple friends. We griped a bit about how it went down. But really, there's nothing to gripe about. We had a blast. Sasha and The Noob did some of our best stand up. It was an enormous honor to be a part of it. I hope we go back next year. I can't wait.

Update for heavens sakes

It's been nearly a month since I posted anything on this blog. A lot has happened in a month. It's been busy. Let me see....

Emily gave birth to sextuplets. All boys. Their names are Rick, Mick, Pick, Grady, Carlyle, and Stick. Very handsome, each of them. They're 18. Hard to believe they grow up so fast. They'll be starting college next fall and they are all going to Cal Poly. We're proud. Very proud.

I got a PhD in comparative religions. I compared Confuscism with a bird-worshipping cult called Ornism, which was started in the Florida Everglades by a miniature person. I compared them very hard until Confuscism finally blinked and Ornism won. The prize was a fruit bowl and the bowl itself measures 9 feet across and the fruit is the peach. A 9 foot bowl of peaches. That seems like a lot, but the bowl is only an inch deep. Still kind of a lot. Anyway, my degree is in the mail. I am going to sticky tack it to my wall. Again, very proud.

We got a dog finally. We got him from a dog rescue place. I should clarify that, because it makes it sound like we got him from the Humane Society or something. No, I mean we got him from a place that sends out those St. Bernards into the alps to give avalanche victims the little barrel of root beer they have around their necks. We broke in one night and found the cutest one and got the little barrel with the most root beer and made out like bandits. Well, truthfully, we were bandits I guess. Dog bandits. So we have a big, slobbery St. Bernard now. I am worried for when it starts to snow, because I don't want him going out and giving away root beer to undeservings. His name is Lexie, by the way, and he's a girl.

Emily and I got our pilot's licenses. We are now qualified to fly dirigibles and we do it often.

I got through a good chunk of my Life's Required Reading List. I read Crime and Punishment, War and Peace, Crime and Peace, War and Punishment, Peace and Punishment, War and Crime (man, that one was depressing) and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

I invented something I call New Math. It's a unique, entirely post modern way of looking at the concepts of numbers and equations. The essence of it is the question, "Who cares about numbers anyway?" and the entire philosophy has been personally liberating. Now, when I am faced with an impossible scenario involving, for example, Euclidean Geometry, I simply employ New Math and, viola, the solution presents itself. (Incidentally, I purposefully wrote 'viola' there. You might think I meant to use a certain French term in its place, but I did not. You see, I have also discovered that France, and consequently all things French, is imaginary, the product of the overactive mind of a bored 10th century historian from Germany called Klaus Schmidt. You see, Klaus realized pretend countries are much more exciting to study than actual countries, so he invented one he called, "Frince," which eventually became known as France. Much to Klaus's dismay, I am sure, France, as he imagined it, turned out to be very European, so much so that other European countries assumed it was real and that, for centuries, had simply been hiding. All this is to say, I have renounced "French" things, including words, because, in reality, they do not exist.)

Well, that's what we've been up to. More to come! Happy Holidays!

Olympics, David Letterman and maybe some other stuff

Chicago didn't get the Olympics for 2016. From the Chicagoans I've talked to about it, nobody wanted them here. I know there was a ton of support for the Games in the Windy City. I just never heard it personally. Here's the thing...the games would have been bad for the homeless. Across the board, I believe I am safe in saying this, the poor and voiceless are always the victims in a big city, when a big city-wide event happens. I lived in downtown Phoenix in 2001 when the World Series happened. The homeless took it on the chin, more than they normally did. Suddenly cops were rounding them up in the parks, shoving them out of their normal sleeping areas, making them go away. When the World Series ended, all that crap ended too. I have no doubt it would have been the same in Chicago. Another aspect is this: Mayor Daley. Here's a fellow who spend most of the last couple years trying to get the Olympics to come to Chicago. A friend of mine pointed out that, historically, Mayor Daley never says 'yes' to a project he can't be assured will come out in his favor. A lot of that has to do with his Big 2 C's...cronyism and corruption. That's always gone a long way for him. Not far enough today. So, how will this reflect on the guy? I've heard it told that this could be the beginning of the end for him. I think that'd be fine. He's been mayor too long and this has been an epic fail for him.

David Letterman, ya'll. I am a big fan of David Letterman. I've talked before about how I admire what a great question-asker he is. Plus, you know, I think he's funny. Way weirder (read: better) than Leno. He has now revealed some things about his personal life, affairs with staffers, that are wrong. He shouldn't have done those things. But, man, this fellow is the consummate showman. Listen, the fact that he is a consummate showman doesn't make his affairs right, any more than Roman Polanski's artistic achievements make it right to do what he did. But, the way Letterman discussed the extortion thing last night...brilliant. He had me hooked with that story. It was funny, dramatic, honest, kind of awful, and he came across as this regular Joe kind of guy. Normally when people have affairs, famous people I mean, everybody goes, "What a creep." But with Letterman, the whole audience erupted into applause after he was done telling his story. How the hell did he do that?

Other things...Steve and I are semi-finalists for the Andy Kaufman Award. Right now, this means we get to go to New York in November and perform some really weird comedy. Whee!

"Idiotic but enthralling...wholesome but completely messed up"

I should have blogged about this awhile ago, but Blewt! is putting up Impress These Apes! again! Wednesday nights at 8PM at the Comedy Sportz Theater (right by the Belmont stop.) I love this show. A ton of hard work went into it and I am really proud of my friends in Blewt! and so happy I get to be counted amongst their hilarious ranks. Please come out and see the show.

Here's a really nice review from Nina Metz at the Chicago Tribune. She's been really kind to us and we are happy to have her as a fan. Our last installation of Apes she called, "Hands down the best comedy show in Chicago."

Thanks, Nina!